Larchmont Gazette.com: Career Doctor - WHY DO PEOPLE GET STUCK WITH CRITICAL BOSSES?

The Career Doctor™

by Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez

Looking for a first job? Thinking of changing careers? Facing a lay-off? The Career Doctor™ is a Larchmont psychologist specializing in career counseling. If you'd like to ask a question of your own, use our anonymous form, and she might answer you here. Read more about the Career Doctor here. Contact information is here.

WHY DO PEOPLE GET STUCK WITH CRITICAL BOSSES?

Dear Career Doctor:

I have been in my job about a year. Right from the start I was blamed for the previous persons mistakes. My boss would not take the time to train me properly but expected me to finish the work well. I tried to get the training piecemeal by asking as many questions as I could, but her answers were vague, such as "you have to think like a project manager."

She finally took one job away from me because she said I made too many mistakes. I tried to point out my lack of training but she treated me as though I were trying to avoid responsibility for my actions. Her comments made it clear that she is not interested in my success.

I started making really stupid mistakes such as stuffing the wrong letter into the wrong envelope. Worse yet, I started repeating these stupid mistakes. There seems to be no way to ever pull myself out from under this mess.

At my review my boss even said to me "I give all my important work to 'so and so' because you are not reliable". Yet I frequently catch "so and so's" mistakes, even though I don't think it's my job to do so.

Is there anything I can do to salvage my job or turn my boss's opinion of me around? I know I should probably just move on. But my self esteem has really suffered. I think that if I lick this job and make my boss want to praise me, my self esteem will be restored and I can move on.

Sue J.

Dear Sue:

It sounds to me like you have several problems. First, your boss hired you with unrealistic expectations. She clearly thought you had more training or knowledge than you did.

Second, she sounds like the kind of negative person who makes everyone miserable. Why do people stay with bosses like this instead of getting out as quickly as possible? Well, it's a good bet they had a parent who treated them that way. People who had critical parents become negatively attached to critical bosses. They frequently say things like you do: "If I lick this job and make my boss want to praise me, my self esteem will be restored and I can move on." Unconsciously, they treat their boss like their parent, thinking that if they can make the boss-mommy love them, then it will wipe away the pain of having a critical real mommy (or daddy.) But it never works -- it's a sucker's game.

Forget getting training and praise from your boss. And stop correcting "so and so's" mistakes. That only makes her look competent at your expense.

You might go to Human Resources and say something like "I want to succeed at this company, but from the very beginning my boss has been too busy to give me the training I needed. Is there another position available where I might be able to prove what a good employee I can be?" (Note: you never bad-mouth the boss, even if she is a witch.)

If HR says no, you'll be in a position where you have to leave. Whatever happens, get some coaching or therapy to help you repair your self-esteem and break the ties with the critical boss-parent.

The Career Doctor

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The Career Doctor™