Dad’s Night Out: Parenting Group for Guys

by Judy Silberstein

(June 14, 2007) It’s a Wednesday evening, 8:15 pm. Just a stone’s throw from the big rock on Rockingstone Avenue a group is gathering. Two men are en route, taking the 7.16 train from Grand Central; two others drive in locally. Once there, they talk about what’s on their minds. How does a dad get a good night’s sleep when the baby has other plans? How should a dad deal with a toddler tantrum once it has erupted, the lava pouring over the top? Will picking up a baby whenever he cries spoil him? Not the usual guy talk.

A dad and his baby enjoy an outing. Photo by Fred Levine.

This group of dads meets every other Wednesday in the home office of Larchmont-based psychologist Marian Margulies, who specializes in parenting concerns. “You’d think with dads’ greater involvement in their kids’ lives, there’d be many groups for dads to talk about fathering,” said Dr. Margulies. But that’s not the case. “A year ago, several dads asked me how they might soften the rough spots of parenting. I looked for a fathers' group to refer them to. Not finding one, I figured I’d start one,” she said.

In her group, Dr. Margulies invites dads to talk about the issues that plague new and not-so-new dads: sleeping, power struggles around food, separation anxiety, dependency and autonomy, discipline, social-emotional and behavioral issues, and the nanny dilemmas, to name some. But what often comes up is the dads’ interest in forming strong connections with their children, noted Dr. Margulies. “It might be to replicate a close bond a dad had with his own dad. Or to develop a tie a dad wishes he had had.”

At the beginning of each meeting, Dr.Margulies spends a few minutes talking about a topic, such as how to read a baby’s cues, expand a baby’s play skills, or work with a child’s temperament. Dads are invited to talk about how they experience their own baby in connection with the topic. Or they share something new about their baby since the previous meeting. Sometimes, an article Dr. Margulies has assigned becomes the focus of a discussion. Recently, the dads enjoyed sharing their thoughts about Kyle Pruett’s piece, “Fathers Do Not Mother,” a chapter from this child psychiatrist’s book, Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is As Essential As Mother Care For Your Child.

Sometimes the sessions become more introspective, and dads share profound feelings of fathering, such as those related to the loss of a close relative or an experience in their childhood.

And then there are the joyous announcements: celebrations of a first birthday at Armelle’s language studio; witnessing a child take her first steps in Larchmont's Manor Park or getting a first haircut at Antonio’s on East Avenue; or a visit with dad to Foley’s hardware store on Post Road.

“I tell the dads that parenting is often sticky,” said Dr. Margolies. “And messy. The t’s don’t always get crossed and the i’s dotted. But if a dad connects with his son or daughter through a smile or special routine, the stickiness is worth every bit of it. There are many parenting books and everyone has advice to give, but every father-child relationship is unique and requires custom fitting.”

Dr. Margulies brings to the group her 18 years of experience as a practicing psychologist and an infant and early childhood researcher. She finds it instructive to translate the latest research on language, cognition, attention and play for use by parents. In her current research on attachment theory, she uses video feedback to help parents reflect on their parenting, on their infants or toddlers and on their evolving relationships. This reflection “can only strengthen the parent-child relationship,” noted Dr. Margulies.

Members of the dads’ group also benefit from the support they give each other. “In a recent session, we were talking about getting one’s baby to sleep at night,” reported Dr. Margulies. Drew, father of 3-year-old Barry, and 8-month-old twins, Amanda and Sarah, described how he and his wife “ferberized” their girls. “Ferberization” might sound scary, but it entails getting a baby to sleep by gradually stretching the amount of time before a parent steps in. Drew described his initial reluctance and difficulty, but with persistence, his girls are sleeping soundly at night. Michael, father of 10-month-old Jacob and 2-year-old Chava said with admiration, "What you did is huge!"

In another session, Allen responded to another dad’s bath-time difficulties by sharing his approach with 9-month-old Brian. "I've learned that the bath water gets cold quickly, so it's best to start with warmer water. Just make sure you have a towel handy," he added, with a trace of authority, having mastered this technique.

“What is especially gratifying for me,” reflected Dr. Margulies, “is when a dad tells me something I said in passing made a profound difference in the way he connects with his child. Drew, for example, who is a towering six feet, told me how my suggestion to get down to Barry’s level when he talks to him, has made a world of difference for his son.”

But what works for one father and child may not work for another. Michael described for the group his attempts to reason with his daughter about sharing a toy with her younger brother. “I got down to her level and did the eye-to-eye thing you suggested. I agree with you it’s confidence building. But when I did it, Chava said ‘No’! I told my wife, ‘I tried it and look what happened.' ”

Look for the silver lining, pointed out Dr. Margulies. “Chava clearly feels confident enough to stand up to her dad and say what she feels and what’s on her mind. Only in a nurturing and safe atmosphere can she feel free to do that. It underscores her burgeoning autonomy.”

"How father and child continue this dialogue and what gets negotiated is all a part of the learning experience for dad and child, alike," said Dr. Margulies. "Parenting is rather complicated and certainly not easy. There are no instruction manuals. But talking about what is not easy or what is oftentimes baffling takes away the edge. What becomes more visible is the diamond in the rough.”

For more information about the group, contact Marian Margulies marian@drmargulies.com or (914) 384-5544. Two groups in the process of forming are dads who are separated or divorced and stay-at-home dads.

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