Tips on Teens:
Expert Advice on Boundaries & Communication
by Janet Weiss
(November 14, 2003) On November 6, parents packed the Mamaroneck
High School library to hear Mike Nerney offer tips on how
to use boundaries
and communication to navigate the teenage years with their
children. As a coach, parent, drug and alcohol abuse counselor,
and researcher, Nerney comes to his topic with years of experience.
Parental Role
We all know that teenagers can be a challenge to live with,
Nerney told the group. As teenagers go through this remarkable
time of development, it is essential for parents to set boundaries
with clear and consistent consequences if they are broken.
Parents cannot abdicate their roles and rely on others to
be in charge of boundaries, and they need to be unequivocal
about what they believe. Research shows that teenagers are
less likely to engage in risky behavior if they feel it is
against their parents’ stated value system.
Clearly, parents have more influence over their children
in early adolescence. However, no matter how mature your
teen appears, Nerney cautioned parents to temper their
expectations. A 14 or 15 year old is far from adulthood
and often is unable to make emotionally mature decisions.
In fact, Nerney suggests parents wait until girls are 21-22
years old, and boys are 23-24 years old before considering
them adults.
Criteria for Setting Boundaries
Clear
Teenagers respond best to boundaries that are logical and
based in science, and parents should share new information
about risks. For example, results
of recent scientific studies on alcohol and the brain show that children
under age 22 cannot manage alcohol the way adults do. Liver function is
less advanced, and pathways in the brain stay fired up
for as much as 48 hours
after alcohol consumption. Within eight to ten months of consistent drinking,
children can lose 10 points from their IQ, or up to 70 points off of standardized
tests. These are the types of facts parents should share with their teenagers
so it is clear why limits are necessary.
Negotiable
Children quickly understand that some boundaries are negotiable,
but others are not. Among the non-negotiable boundaries should
be those that concern health
and safety, and these should be reinforced from a very early age. Nerney
stressed: a child should never be allowed to drive with someone
who is drunk, and never
permitted to spend the night at a home where there is an unsupervised party.
On the other hand, he suggested greater flexibility on issues of social structures,
such as dress, curfew, music, interactions with others, or tone of voice.
Consistent
Consistency is important, and praise works better than
punishment.
Creative
Nerney encouraged parental creativity. For example,
to avoid embarrassing a teen in front of friends, use “code
language” that means “pick me up from this
party, now!”
Positive
Everything about boundaries should be framed in the positive—we love
you, want you, care about you.
Immediate
Apply the consequences immediately, advised Nerney,
even if the punishment comes at an inconvenient moment. .
But be careful of doling out consequences in the heat of
anger, he suggested. You’ll end up with an immediate
consequence you immediately want to take back.
Proportional
Keep a sense of proportion, urged Nerney. Consequences
should be proportional and limited in terms of intensity.
Nerney recommends never exceeding four
weeks of punishment. Anything beyond this period builds resentment and
anger.
Limited
Finally, the punishment should be limited—when the
term is over, it’s
over.
For parents seeking additional advice, Nerney suggested the following books
and websites: Buzzed, by Wilson Kuhn; Boys
and Girls Learn Differently!: A Guide for Teachers and Parents,
by Michael Gurian;
The Romance of Risk, by Lynn Ponton, and The
Secret Life of the Brain, by Richard Restak. Websites include
Dana.org; erowid.org;
casacolumbia.org; theantidrug.org.
Janet Weiss is Hommocks PTA Vice-President for Programs.
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