Tips on Teens:
Expert Advice on Boundaries & Communication

by Janet Weiss

From dana.org

(November 14, 2003) On November 6, parents packed the Mamaroneck High School library to hear Mike Nerney offer tips on how to use boundaries and communication to navigate the teenage years with their children. As a coach, parent, drug and alcohol abuse counselor, and researcher, Nerney comes to his topic with years of experience.

Parental Role

We all know that teenagers can be a challenge to live with, Nerney told the group. As teenagers go through this remarkable time of development, it is essential for parents to set boundaries with clear and consistent consequences if they are broken.

Parents cannot abdicate their roles and rely on others to be in charge of boundaries, and they need to be unequivocal about what they believe. Research shows that teenagers are less likely to engage in risky behavior if they feel it is against their parents’ stated value system.

Clearly, parents have more influence over their children in early adolescence. However, no matter how mature your teen appears, Nerney cautioned parents to temper their expectations. A 14 or 15 year old is far from adulthood and often is unable to make emotionally mature decisions. In fact, Nerney suggests parents wait until girls are 21-22 years old, and boys are 23-24 years old before considering them adults.

Criteria for Setting Boundaries

Clear

Teenagers respond best to boundaries that are logical and based in science, and parents should share new information about risks. For example, results of recent scientific studies on alcohol and the brain show that children under age 22 cannot manage alcohol the way adults do. Liver function is less advanced, and pathways in the brain stay fired up for as much as 48 hours after alcohol consumption. Within eight to ten months of consistent drinking, children can lose 10 points from their IQ, or up to 70 points off of standardized tests. These are the types of facts parents should share with their teenagers so it is clear why limits are necessary.

Negotiable

Children quickly understand that some boundaries are negotiable, but others are not. Among the non-negotiable boundaries should be those that concern health and safety, and these should be reinforced from a very early age. Nerney stressed: a child should never be allowed to drive with someone who is drunk, and never permitted to spend the night at a home where there is an unsupervised party. On the other hand, he suggested greater flexibility on issues of social structures, such as dress, curfew, music, interactions with others, or tone of voice.

Consistent

Consistency is important, and praise works better than punishment.

Creative

Nerney encouraged parental creativity. For example, to avoid embarrassing a teen in front of friends, use “code language” that means “pick me up from this party, now!”

Positive

Everything about boundaries should be framed in the positive—we love you, want you, care about you.

Immediate

Apply the consequences immediately, advised Nerney, even if the punishment comes at an inconvenient moment. . But be careful of doling out consequences in the heat of anger, he suggested. You’ll end up with an immediate consequence you immediately want to take back.

Proportional

Keep a sense of proportion, urged Nerney. Consequences should be proportional and limited in terms of intensity. Nerney recommends never exceeding four weeks of punishment. Anything beyond this period builds resentment and anger.

Limited

Finally, the punishment should be limited—when the term is over, it’s over.

For parents seeking additional advice, Nerney suggested the following books and websites: Buzzed, by Wilson Kuhn; Boys and Girls Learn Differently!: A Guide for Teachers and Parents, by Michael Gurian; The Romance of Risk, by Lynn Ponton, and The Secret Life of the Brain, by Richard Restak. Websites include Dana.org; erowid.org; casacolumbia.org; theantidrug.org.

Janet Weiss is Hommocks PTA Vice-President for Programs.

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