Dear_Sis@the_end_of_my_day.calm©
Two sisters and their friends, share the joys of Larchmont motherhood through E-mail.

by Val Estabrook

Date: 10/03/03
To: Val
From: Barbara
Subject: Freshman seeks college roommate who’s totally unacceptable to parents

Personal ads…what a great way to match up college roommates! Certain your version of college personals (see Freshman Seeks Unacceptable Roomie) far more tantalizing than actual ads. Elizabeth’s college sent a questionnaire instead… zeroed into the critical details of life.

Went something like this:

1. Which phrase best describes your degree of neatness?

• (A) I believe in labeling everything including towel placement, drawer functions & drugs of choice.
  
  
• (B) I like the room to always look together…just like on Thursdays when the cleaning lady comes to my house.
  
  
• (C) I’m not too anal, but I do like to be able to see the floor.
  
  
• (D) Whatever, man.

2. What type of music reaches you in a personal way?

• (A) Heavy metal/hard rock cause when the world sucks it inspires me to break things
  
  
• (B) Reggae cause, as a female, I find the music really speaks to me
  
  
• (C) Reggae cause, as a male, I find chicks really dig it
  
  
• (D) Wedding music cause it helps me concentrate while working out possible new monograms
  
  
• (E) Polka is my life. (Please remember that this survey is strictly confidential)

3. I like to wake up:

• (A) At first light
  
  
• (B) At sunset
  
  
• (C) At Thanksgiving break
  
  
• (D) 5 minutes before my first class
  
  
• (E) When the stench of my bed sheets becomes intolerable, even for me

4. I like to go to sleep:

• (A) At 10pm
  
  
• (B) At sunrise
  
  
• (C) 5 minutes before my first class
  
  
• (D) Even while the sheets rot beneath my boxers
  
  
• (E) Whenever I damn please

5. When leaving my dorm room, I fully expect to see:

• (A) Mom waiting for me with a $5 bill
  
  
• (B) Mom waiting for me with a $20 bill
  
  
• (C) An ATM machined delivered as a care package
  
  
• (D) My failing grade report nailed to the door, along with a tuition bill marked “return to sender” in a strangely familiar handwriting
  
  
• (E) Dad with the keys to the BMW

6. When entering my dormitory room, I expect:

• (A) to sit down immediately to a warm, home cooked meal
  
  
• (B) to see a post-it-note from my roommate saying, “I’ll be home late tonight” and sticking to a $20 bill left for the pizza delivery
  
  
• (C) to find freshly laundered and folded clothing waiting for me on my bed
  
  
• (D) to sit down to a second dinner around 9pm
  
  
• (E) to give my roommate a nasty mouth, several arguments, unending debates and the last word on every stinking thing despite all the food and money I’ve been given.

Especially loved last part of survey asking Elizabeth to pick three questions, out of the 50 posed, that best embodied her priorities. Thunderstruck to learn THE top priorities of my daughter’s future college life are to live on a co-ed floor, to share a co-ed bathroom, and to have a regularly scheduled weekly manicure.

Speechless.

Barbara

________________________________________________________

Hope you had great summer. My summer?…crazy….sad as oldest left for college. Look for lots more on that subject in future columns. Please send me stories ‘bout school - pre-school to graduate. XO, Val

Val and Kim illustrations by Larchmont artist Sue Girardi.
" Barbara" from: www.acn.net.au/ebusiness/ manual/chapter6.htm

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